Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize