We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
