i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
