even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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