I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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