Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
