ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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