I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
