It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
