I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
