There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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