Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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