I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
