My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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