Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
