so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize