Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
