nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
