Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
