If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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