So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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