My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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