my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize