I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
