Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize