if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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