hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
