Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
