I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize