I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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