I accidentally burped into my bong.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
