When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize