You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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