I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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