every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
