toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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