I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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