omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
