just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
