tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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