mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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