thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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