i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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