i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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