Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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