My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
