Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
