I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
