We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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