a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize