someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
