You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
