She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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