So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
