i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
