Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
