Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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