So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize