I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
