If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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