I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize