I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
