he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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