I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
