my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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