i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
