Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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