so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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