I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
