you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
