Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
