The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
