My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
